Lessons in Communication

Ryan: "Kim, you're thinking really quiet..."

Thank you Captain Obvious. But really- this phrase has merit worth discussing.

Ryan is a verbal processor. I am not. Ryan is a big picture kind of guy, I am not. Ryan has it all figured out. I do not. ( Just kidding about that last one.)

Due to our unique personality traits, Ryan and I have an interesting way of communicating. I mentioned a long time ago that we stand firmly on the same ground where it counts, but the paths we take to arrive there run no where near parallel. It's been fun trying to figure this out... so far. The wisdom I have to pass on (after my 1 year and almost 10 months of marriage) is to be slow to react and direct with your words. For instance, I know that we miscommunicate often because we are so different, so if I just wait a second until he's done processing, he might use the words and tones that will ACCURATELY portray what his point is. He knows that if I'm silent during a fight, it might not be that I'm festering on the inside with contempt... I just don't have a very large vocabulary so I need to make sure the words I use are correct and efficient to make my point. (I'm sure he struggles to wait for me to say something in those silences. He usually asks where I'm at if it's been a really long pause. Which is helpful if I've forgotten what I'm supposed to be thinking about.) We've learned to be direct with each other. I love him and he loves me and God put us together to duke it out. (enter smiley face) I wouldn't want it any other way. It's refining and dignifying to have someone you respect so much- love you enough to make you a better version of yourself.

Here are some bullet point lessons I've learned about communication:

• Defensiveness kills communication.
• React with humor and patience
• LISTEN first
• Never use sarcasm (It's hard to stop- I know.)
• Be direct. Passive aggressiveness is lame. Knock it off.
• Be Respectful

I'm sure I left a lot out, I just have one more point to make. If the issue is between you and a loved one, please remember that you are on the same team. It's you against the problem. If there is no problem and you're just picking on each other- what's the point?

I guess one of my upcoming posts should be about Strengths Finder 2.0 and why my first reaction is to challenge.

da Vinci vs. Duchamp

Disclaimer: I don’t want to fight. I just want to say my piece. And, I am in fact very fond of Duchamp’s “Nude descending staircase.” Also, I am not saying, brother, that Marcel Duchamp was not a pioneer; he deserves recognition for the questions he provoked as a part of the Dada movement. I am saying that some current artists take his ‘style’ and try to turn them into meaningful art. My argument is that Dada was a cultural anti-art movement. The art produced was supposed to break all the formal rules of art, defying all reason and logic. Today, we are no longer fighting the proponents of WWI or an intolerant culture; you are now just making crap out of crap for no purpose at all because you saw someone else do it. (If you are the exception, I would love to see it.)

I’ve always believed art to be a great form of expression, a way to relate to the world with an entire language of symbols. How fun! Circles, diagonal lines, evergreen… they all represent something. We see things and automatically understand them; we link them together in our critiques with the formal rules of art to make sense the piece at hand. So my question is why is the line between traditional and contemporary drawn and recognized beyond the distinction between skillful and amateur? It’s almost as if to say quality doesn’t matter as long as it fits into one of these two categories. Which do you associate with skillful mastery and which with amateur attempts? Hmmm…

I mean really. Picasso is a great example of how to blur the lines and break the rules. You may only remember disfigured silhouettes and the contrasted scene of Guernica, but Picasso demonstrated the mastery of his craft… he knew the rules, followed them, then blew them out of the water. He earned his stripes. (Not that I’m his biggest fan) He was a skilled painter but ended up with work that could seem amateurish.

Now, in the contemporary art scene there is an abundance of content, but a lull in craftsmanship and technique. The visual arts seem to have suffered the loss of impact in using carefully crafted images alone, resulting in crude attempts at ‘shock art’ and lengthy commentaries. We are slapped in the face with more literature in artist statements and titles on each piece that focus less on visual formality and more on rationalizing the meaning and purpose of the artists intent.
Lame. (If I wanted to read about your ideas, I’d buy your book.)

My whole point is, if you’re going to break the rules and be boisterous about it, learn them first so that you don’t look like a fool. I’ve run into many artists who have work that is less than ideal when it comes to pleasing aesthetics but would be offended if anyone offered an honest critique of his/her craft. Can you tell that I’m kind of sick of the whole “Art is subjective” crap? People have taken this way too far. While it is true that parts of art are subjective, there are some basics that are objective. (Enter the 7 pearls of painting by Larry, anyone?) These guidelines are a great start to making something you can be proud of. If you aren’t great at painting but want to say something, try writing. Our culture implies that anyone can be an artist as long as you have something to say… well I have good news for you, art is not limited to painting, so if you suck, move on to something more productive instead of paddling a sinking boat.

Thank you.

Exciting Things

1. Linds blogging every day for 30 days. Loving it and your lifelines.

2. I possibly get to see my dad this Father's Day weekend.

3. Heavey + Wong = High quality of excitement, LOVE the pictures!

4. Today's dramatic down pour on the cities.

5. Homemade caramels. They worked this time brother, come and get em!

6. Voicemails from Mona... it would be even more exciting if I could answer the calls!

7. Harry Potter in 1 month.

8. Baby Wickstra and Baby Hood (Both soon to be born!)

9. Our up coming summer vacation with the Tsai's.

10. Vanilla Ice Cream with real vanilla bean.

(not necessarily in that order)

Where the trees stand... No Chance

Craig (Brother in law #2) is a lazy blogger already so I feel the need to explain. We were enjoying a nice night of mocking blog names, starting with mine, A Creative Mess and A sliding glass door (Something about running into a glass door)... when it occurred that "Where the Trees Stand Still' was a bit too profound for the likes of our maturity that night. Craig had coincidentally been throwing daggers at a tree earlier that day, training for no doubt many battles to come (hence the picture). We were giving him a hard time because trees don't move, making them easy targets so reading about trees standing still felt a bit poetic. He meant no harm, just thought it all fell together beautifully and wanted to enter the blog world with jest. So Rooms, do not let your heart be sad, be encouraged that he chose you.

Tying Memories to Music

Which sense triggers the strongest memories and emotions in you? I would usually say scents for myself, but today I'm leaning toward sound. When I get a waft of a particular cologne I have a vague remembrance of a time in my life, or when I smell specific flowers, I remember my summer vacations to Hawaii. However, sometimes I can't quite assign the scent to a specific person, place or memory.

When it comes to sound though, specifically through music and lyrics... I can remember quite vividly what experience it was tied to. For instance, the first time I heard 'Strawberry Wine' by Deanna Carter, I was at a high school dance on a Friday after a football game in 11th grade. When the first twangs of the song came on, my friend Jenny Coffee clapped pretty excitedly and said, "I love this song!" I even remember the look on her face. When I hear the song "Latter Days" by Over the Rhine I'm transported back to college theater, sitting in the empty audience looking over the Christmas decorations strewn about on our beautiful castle set from the fall production of Hamlet. When I hear the song "All I Need" by Shawn McDonald, I remember a warm breeze, sitting in a Chicago suburb in roommates parents' back yard with my attention fixed on Erik Heavey as he strummed his guitar with a group of us singing along. (Wearing his White Hoodie with yellow Numbers- weird that I remember, I know.) I know this isn't unusual... to tie memories to music- I just really appreciate that God created us to be this way.

I've noticed that I've inadvertently fixed specific music to most of the people in my life. It might not even be music that they enjoy or that we've listened to together, but it reminds me of those relationships. For example, I associate Roommate with Dave Barnes, Monica with Bebo Norman (one specific song), Whit with Tracy Chapman, Maggie with Rascal Flatts and Callie with Keith Urban. Ryan is a whole different story, but he pops right into my mind any time Brad Paisley comes through a speaker. I know everyone likes music, but I think I appreciate it that much more because it reminds me of my friends- and I like to remember my friends.

In good fun.

It has begun. Craig has a blog.

B2 vs RM

I would like put a disclaimer on this that Craig (brother #2) loves nature and would never hurt anything on purpose. And this is in no way a personal attack, it's all in good fun.

Newtons 1st law

I feel the need to follow up my post from yesterday with an apology. I was ranting like a frustrated whiner. I could have made my point with much more grace. I'm sorry. This topic just happens to be close to me right now -for me and for the people I love.

It seems that motion is perpetual. Who knew? Newton. He's a reliable source, he was a smart cookie and he chose this as his FIRST law! So that would imply that the first step to anything is THE FIRST STEP. Motion will continue to stay in motion. (meaning "get off your lazy a** and do something- anything, and it will pay off by taking you to your next adventure.") Whether it's a baby "bite size" step or a giant "wookie" sized step- just GO! (I'm stretching this beyond physics but I don't think he'd mind because it makes him relevant in a whole different realm.)

The reason I had this thought in the first place came to me from blogging to you (or not blogging to you) and talking to my dad. The only way to have something to blog about or to have something to update your daughter (or anyone) about, is to do something. Wouldn't it be great if every time someone asked you what you've been up to lately, you could say something unexpected and new EVERY TIME?!? That way, they're not bored with you and you're not searching for something to assign meaning to. I mean really, the most interesting people I know have had real life adventures... or maybe just know how to make corn cob pipes straight from a field... or could teach me all the differetnt kinds of knots and their purposes that they learned in boy scouts. I think we all respond to learning something new and it's just as important to teach as it is to learn. I know this is a huge challenge, and that it can't be expected to have some amazing story in your back pocket all the time... but wouldn't it be great if you did?

To my brother in law Karl- you are on my list of interesting people and I appreciate your experiences.

Amusement & Adventure

I mean this as a challenge. I got peeved and this is the result.

Ryan and I have been talking a lot lately about pass times. Amusement vs. Adventure. I would say that in my teen years I spent most of my time being amused. (and usually for most people it had been restricted to teen years... I'm now observing that it's seeped into 20's and even 30's!) I sat and waited for something entertaining to spark my interest. I watched tv, listened to the radio, played video games, and went to movies. I was happy. There was no oppressing force telling me that I screwed up a task, because how do you screw up if you an observer? I felt like I was learning things, being swept up in new emotional spectrum's from tv and movies, gaining hand eye coordination from video games and knowing worldly gossip from the radio. (Mind you I listened to KDWB- not NPR) I felt like I was totally on top of my game and doing just what I was supposed to do. I knew how to live my life well because I was really good at these things, watching movies that were thought provoking and playing puzzling games as if it were making my brain grow. How naive. I wasted an entire chunk of my life by simply watching. I told myself that I was learning, that I was the quiet casual observer. I told myself that this was my role. I was a child at heart. What I've learned from that is that being a child at heart doesn't mean I could get away with a child's lifestyle or point of view. I could have been participating in my thick emotional plots with REAL relationships, I could have been making movies, I could have done something amazing to make the people on the radio want to talk about me! Being a child at heart is living with a child's Zest for life! Learning everything new, seeking out things that make your heart skip and getting excited about new things! Adventure is the key. It implies motion, ACTION! The difference between being a kid and being grown up is all about range of motion. Being older affords more options, TAKE THEM!!! This is important. I can't sit and wait any longer to start living a life of action. I want to be someone who inspires others to try something new, to go some place different and to dig deep into their relationships. Wasting the only life that we're given is not an option. Ryan and I (I'm pretty sure) are on the same page.

Maggie Walsh

I just wanted to take a minute to say Happy Birthday to someone I hold deep respect for, Roommates Best Friend, Mags. She is wise beyond her quarter of a century status and more gracious than most. She's amazing because she does life intentionally, taking in every good thing and learning from all the twists in her path. She does these things out loud- which is where my respect for her takes root. I have laughed out loud, been moved to tears and fallen more deeply in love with my Jesus by reading the words on her blog, Always Never the Same. Mags, I value you and the role you play in the lives of the people I hold so close to my heart! Have a great year and have fun discovering what's instore! I can't wait to hear all about it! And let me know when you're book comes out- I'm ready!

A long time coming.

It's been a while. I haven't had time in the past month or two to formulate thoughts- let alone document them for you. Today is really no different...

8am- Wake up
9am- Work
1:30pm- Leave work- Run errands
3pm- Lunch
4pm- Work on preliminaries for my newest paintings and children's book (more to come later)
6pm- Jump Rope contest with my manager and the kids in our community.
7pm- Go to accountability
8pm- Leave early to go to Ryan's softball game
10pm- Parking lot beer time
11pm- Dinner
11:45pm- Check email before bed

The moral of my itinerary is that I got to participate in a JUMP ROPE contest at age 27, FOR WORK! I haven't jumped rope in a good 12 years! True - I lost to a little girl named Elaina - but I put up a good fight. So congratulations to her!

This will probably be the most I ever write about work on my blog... until the hula hoop contest during our summer ice cream social.