I'm stubborn, who knew?

Last night Ryan and I joined our small group with Hope CC at 'Feed My Starving Children.' If you've never heard of it, please look it up. It is a wonderful Christian organization that works hard to feed starving children all over the world. They have groups of volunteers come in and package food to send over seas to countries like Haiti, El Salvador, Kenya, Peru etc. Each meal costs 17 cents to make and we packaged over 9,000 meals in under an hour. They are run by donations... how amazing is that!

Anyways... I didn't want to go. I NEVER want to go. Here's the thing, in order to make this well oiled machine to work everyone works in groups... GROUPS! I don't like groups, I don't like crowds... it puts me in a funk just to think about it. I am a SEVERE introvert, even thinking about public interaction zaps my energy. You would think that I would suck it up and go because I LOVE this mission. Instead, I pouted like a 5 year old and whined to my husband. (that's right, whined, I'm grown up enough to have a husband but not grown up enough not to whine.) I'm talking all the way there. What made it worse is that every time prior to this time, I've had the same feeling before and the Holy Spirit made my heart do a 180 by the time I was standing in that assembly line. It makes me increasingly more mad that I can't fight the integrity of this cause, I cave every time. I mean really, what happened to my will power? When I was a kid I could sit though my punishment on the end of my bed for hours-- praising my parents names as they walked by ; "I loved this! I love my room! I love sitting on my bed! Thank you mom!" Try to understand that I'm not a bad person, I'm just stubborn. Ryan paraphrased my thoughts perfectly,

Me: "C'mon Lord, you created this rock, you just go ahead and TRY to move me!"

Lessons I learned? A) Don't challenge your Maker, He will put you in your place. B) It's okay to temporarily embrace your flaws as long as you leave room for your heart to change. C) Ryan is REALLY patient. D) I don't know how to be anyone but me.

And that's okay.

Psalm 62

"Which comes easier to you, being hopeful or being humble?"

Of course if you say "being humble" that's hilarious. But then again, being hopeful is really hard to claim as being 'easy'. So what would I choose? Many of you know that I am somewhat of a pessimist. Better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed right? I know that my point of view is in sharp contrast to many of you. (Which probably resulted in some cringing.) That's okay- I'm an Eeyore and claim my rain cloud.

As so, you'd think that I would say it's easier to be humble... but it's actually the opposite. Being humble is on a fine line for me. God gave everyone gifts, mine happens to be visual and easy to recognize. I'm not trying to brag, I just want to acknowledge and embrace what I was given. Marketing my paintings in a competitive world is hard... I have to overstep my skewed perception of humility. My natural feeble attempt at being humble tends to cut me off at the knees. Whether it's giving credit to someone else, taking less money than I maybe deserve, or giving away something I want to keep... I more often than not fail at doing "humility" well. I know there is a way to keep humble and not be taken advantage of... but I will definitely say- I haven't found out how- it's NOT easy.

Which leaves me as being hopeful as a pessimist. What does it mean to be hopeful anyways? Ryan made great point that Hope is not purely optimism. --Hope means to trust that our God, our loving Father will fulfill his promises. Placing your trust and hope in the Maker of all things is not just leaving your luck up to the cosmos, but believing in the promises that He is in control. He has a plan.

In my life I always prepare for the worst... but it does not break me, not any more. I know that because I can trust the foundation in front of me, my walk is safe and I can hum joyfully at the stars. (otr) I rest easy knowing that the trials I'm given can be overcome with hope in the valley's and trust on the mountains.

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation... Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." -Psalm 62:5-9

Let's Recap

I understand that it has been a good month since the last time we had one of our delightful one way conversations. It has been brought to my attention that I have not been very entertaining as of late. Thank you brother.

Here is the condensed version of the last few weeks. We experienced:

- Christmas Eve with the Bergmans, Christmas Morning just us, Christmas Day @ My moms, Christmas Evening with Mom & Bergmans

- The unwelcome premature death of our beloved Trissmas Tree (Refer to "We Got Married" #6.)

- A road trip to Chicago for New Years/ Titus Family Christmas (which was a blast!!!)... husband made the same trip condensed into an over night version (Refer to the same link #3)

- Meeting brand new babies (Who are WAY COOLER than iPhones!)

- A flat tire in Wisconsin, I'm glad Bergman's Travel a lot

- A sad/stressful job situation, sad to see good friends go

- An intense motivation to participate in a few art shows in North East

- Our first home made caramel making endeavor

I think that about covers it. Oh- My New Year's Resolution. I'm going to drink more water. I know that could mean a cup or so once every two weeks, but I'm talking serious hydration people... Lot's - O - Water. Maybe I should make an art project about this... because then I'm committed.